Grüetzi* Ya'll!

Welcome to the ZURICH BERICHT, Volume 2. Yes dear
friends, I have embarked again, so I feel it is only
fair that I start a new volume of the ZURICH BERICHT.*
Most of you know that despite the long hours and
harrowing technical challenges, I have accepted a job
with Atraxis, the company I was consulting to before.
Why? Why not! I have a chance to see the world, work
with great neutral people, and learn a new language.
I hope you will all come and visit (some of you have
already booked your airfare - now that's cool) and see
my tiny but beautiful place in the "Little Big City".
Oh, and a quick shout out to those of you who made my
going away party! I loved seeing you all - thanks
very for the green, flat, easy to carry gifts and the
warm wishes. Really it was so special for me to have
so many wonderful people around me. I'll miss you
all.

Ok, Ok! We're here to share the journey ... so let's
begin. I am writing to you from Dallas, Texas. The
movers have hauled everything away except my computer
and 8 bags of carry on luggage. "Eight bags?" you
ask, "Aren't you restricted to three?" Well, yes I am,
now that you mention it. Is anyone good at packing?
I leave in three days.

So, how can I write a ZURICH BERICHT from Dallas?
This morning I was in Switzerland. That's how! How
did I manage that? Well here's my story ...

(Please remember I always keep it real. I still smart
from Dad's accusation during Volume 1 that I might
embellish a story. However, in order to keep my
trust with you dear reader I will acknowledge that a
few portions of the following story have been
exaggerated for dramatic effect.)

A person who is not Swiss must have a residence permit
before s/he can live and work in Switzerland. A
non-Swiss person must already be living in Switzerland
to obtain a residence permit. OK, so that's where the
residence visa comes in. If a person is intending on
living in Switzerland that person must have a
residence permit approved, then obtain a visa from a
Swiss Consulate or Embassy and then enter Switzerland
on that visa. Then that person can go to the foreign
police, present the visa, and obtain the residence
permit. So as I am sure you guessed today I had to
travel to Washington, DC to receive my visa from the
Swiss Embassy.

I flew into Washington National Airport (also called
Ronald Reagan Airport). As the plane touched down I
looked out my window and a "snapshot" of the Capitol
Building rolled into the view across the Potomac. The
plane made a turn and the "snapshot" changed to the
Washington Monument and next to it I spied a domed
building which I later deduced to be the Jefferson
Monument. Actually, before we rolled into the gate, I
also saw the US Patent Office. Well that's not very
picturesque, but it seems even so that everything in
DC is somehow ... important. Inside the airport I
was surprised to hear that the PA Announcer actually
does sound like Ronald Reagan - only more coherent.

The Swiss Embassy only receives visitors between the
hours of 9:00AM and Noon. I came in on the earliest
flight, but it was already 10:30. So, of course that
meant I had exactly one and one half hour to complete
my business at the Embassy. OK, now I started to get
a little frantic (not as frantic as a little earlier
today when I overslept and almost missed the flight
though). So what's the best thing to do in a strange
city when you only have one and one half hours to
locate an Embassy and fetch a VISA? Yes, I hailed a
cab.

When I got into the cab I asked for the Swiss Embassy.
I said, "Do you know it?". The cab driver grunted
and continued the conversation he was having on his
cell phone as he sped away from the airport. Um, I
wonder if it is really to much to ask of your cab
driver that s/he just "hangs up and drives". Well,
that and at least respond that s/he may know where the
cab is going. Since the driver was obviously occupied
(on the telephone), I amused myself by guessing what
other famous buildings we were passing. There's some
cool statues on a bridge. Oh and there was the
Lincoln Memorial. The driver hung up long enough to
point out the Kennedy Center and to swear about the
truck driver behind us. You see the Kennedy Center
has one section that hangs out over the right hand
lane of traffic. So the traffic, in effect, must go
through a Kennedy Center tunnel. The truck behind us
was too high to clear the Kennedy Center! The driver
watched in his rear-view mirror and I turned to look
out the back window. "Well," I thought as I looked on
the impending disaster, "I can tell everyone 'I was
there' when the truck took out the Kennedy Center."
We both held our breaths and the truck cleared the
tunnel with only a few inches (um, what's that in
Centimeters?) to spare.

Before I could ask what that funky groovy building
was, the driver started another call. But, I think it
was the Watergate. It looked like the pictures!

As we got closer to the diplomatic sector, the cab
driver interrupted his call long enough to tell me he
actually didn't know where the Embassy was. Luckily I
found the address - 2900 Cathedral Street. After a few
minute he said "here it is!". The he stopped the cab
and put me out. "Um", I asked, "shouldn't I see the
Swiss flag or something, maybe a sign to say Swiss
Embassy". "No, No, it is here. This is 2900
Cathedral." He took my money and before I could ask
anything else he took another call and sped off.

Here of course is where I realized that in the
Washington DC city grid Cathedral Street (at least in
this area) intersected every cross street at the 2900
block. We were not at 2900 Cathedral. We were at
2900 Congress (or something like that) where Cathedral
intersected! AND, only an hour to go! Of course there
was only one thing to do today. I set off on foot down
Cathedral.

After several blocks, I finally saw it. The
distinctive White Cross in a Red Field Flag suggestive
of calm, tranquility, and healthy, albeit neutral,
rest... (By the way, doesn't this just have to be one
of the best designed flags ever?).

At this point I was thinking, "I have almost made it
with forty-five minutes to spare." And then I
thought, "Very soon I will escape this country and
live in a confederacy where people's votes are actually
counted (almost every Saturday*)." The embassy gates
were standing open in my sight. My heart was beating
quickly. I felt my throat tighten with a little fear,
but I concentrated on keeping my gait steady -
although I wanted to run as fast as I could to those
gates. I thought, "You're almost there ... only a few
more feet (meters, meters I must learn to think in
meters - no thanks to congress' provincial decision in
my elementary school years that meant that we would
no longer be taught metric) ... just keep it steady ..
no one will think anything is happening!"

And then I heard that which I feared ...

"LOOK AT HIS FEET!"

NO!
After all of this planning, I was busted by my white
tennis shoes! Well, there was nothing to do but run
as if my life depended on it. And, of course it did!
No matter what, I had to reach the gates before they
caught me.

I was too frightened to turn around. I was too intent
on my goal to risk a look over my shoulder, but I
heard a chorus of voices drawl in that Texan way ...
"he's Amuricun ... see his shoes ...he's tryin' to
leave this here greatest country in the word ... we
didn't rig and steal the election to let liberal,
pinko, commie, fags go runnin' out to Europe ... "
Then someone in a cowboy hat who was right on my heels
cried, "Better dead than well-read!"

"This is it", I thought, "it's all over for me...". I
saw the gates closing. "NO!" I cried and my voice
sounded all funny and stuff since of course I was
running and screaming in slow motion.

Then, I heard a woman's voice with a deep French
accent, "Don't close the gates! He's approved for a
residence permit .... ", and then (strangest of all)
I heard, "I'm Catherine Da-NEW-v".

Well, with the encouragement of an aging super
model/actress I found that inner reserve of strompf*.
I hit my Zone! I ran like the wind ... and just as I
felt a clutching hand grab my elbow ... I crossed the
threshold. The Swiss Guard (grown tired of watching
the Pope) closed in between me and my pursuers.
"Stop!" the strong, skinny, well-dressed man ordered
forcefully with a distinct accent, "he is on Swiss
soil!"

Why of course, the embassies of other countries are
legally extensions of that country. I almost cried.
Here in the middle of Washington DC, I was in
Switzerland - at last!

Did you detect the exaggerated element in the above
story? Of course you did. You knew at once, I am
sure Dear Reader, that *I* would never wear white
tennis shoes to step onto European soil!

I believe that all of the greatest movies ever made
feature mad dashes through some iron curtain country
toward a friendly embassy. The protagonists are
always discovered by their very sensible commie shoes.
You just can't write better drama than that. Did you
see "East/West" with Catherine Denueve? If you did, I
can rest my case. If not - get thee to a Blockbuster.
Really, every movie made should feature an Embassy
dash. I know every movie I make WILL! The four hours
or whatever it was of Titanic would have been so much
more exciting if Leo had been forced to sprint into
Kate's waiting arms at the British Embassy! Don't you
agree? Well now that Shrub* is re-igniting the Cold
War* at least perhaps Hollywood will once again
rediscover this secret to making good films - EMBASSY
DASHES.

Really, after I got inside the embassy nothing
eventful happened. I now have my visa. I leave on AA
Flight 38* direct to Zurich Monday. Keep me in your
thoughts. I'll return with the next dispatch as soon
as something happens!

----------------
HANDY GLOSSARY*

Grueetzi - Colloquial greeting in the Swiss German
(Switzer Tueuetsch) Dialect, it means "Howdy!!". Say
"Howdy" the way Minnie Pearl would to capture the full
naunce in the English Translation.

Zurich Bericht - This is German for "Zurich Dispatch".
Last year when I spent two months in Zurich
Switzerland, I started this semi-regular travel
journal to share my journeys and thoughts with all my
friends and colleagues. I'm following in the
footsteps of other great correspondents abroad (which
would include Dave White* and his DAVE'S DIARY) and
only trying to keep you amused and informed - at no
charge! For those of you who missed the first volume
of Zurich Bericht, later this year I will post the
first volume on a web site - or I'll resend them on
"slow news days".

Dave White - Friend of mine who left Dallas to follow
the love of his life to LA. In LA, Dave has found his
new career has a professional writer. Check out his
excellent film reviews at http://www.ifilm.com (under
the column "One Please"), or read his music columns in
the INSTINCT or THE ADVOCATE. Or if you live in a hip
enough city pick up his writings in GLUE. Dave writes
a weekly diary of his life now, called "Dave's Diary".

every Saturday - It seems the Swiss have referendum
elections CONSTANTLY always on Saturday - except when
Saturday falls on Swiss Moving Day, Swiss Cleaning
Day, or Swiss Boy's Shooting Day. Don't ask me why.
Don't ask me to explain the Car Party either.

Strompf - that's like strength ... but better ... and
of course stronger. "Tammy Wynette had inner STROMPF!
Lord knows what she suffered at the hands of George
Jones, but through it all she had STROMPF! Up until
the day they killed her she kept her STROMPF! When
she sang you heard it. There was the pain, but over
that was always the STROMPF!"

re-ignited the Cold-War - Have you seen that email
that is being circulated and attributed to Dick
Cheney? It is something about remembering that many
nations are ready to nuke the US while we (well I
guess while YOU) sleep. I tell you all Shrub's people
have been trained to see the world through a cold war
lens so what can they do besides start another one.
They are currently shopping around a potential list of
enemies. The short list so far includes North Korea,
Iraq, China, and maybe even Russia (hey don't mess
with success). So far Canada hasn't made the list,
but maybe after John Ashcroft rents CANADIAN BACON
that could change. You should rent CANADIAN BACON too
... while it is still funny.

the Shrub - George W. Shrub (cf Molly Ivans) - He
doesn't have the stature (and let's hope not the
staying power) to be called a bush.

AA 38 - departs daily with direct flights to Zurich
from DFW. Book a ticket on the SR code-share flight
now at http://www.swissair.com

Handy Glossary - an idea I borrowed from Dave's Diary.
This is the Handy Glossary.